We’ve all experienced challenging times when we couldn’t control our emotions. We might be overcome by stress, irritation, or feelings of rage.
We express our emotions to a close friend or family member in an effort to get it out of our system. But what if you’re the one being yelled at and someone does it in front of you? How do you respond? Here we list what you should do and what you can’t say to those who are venting.
Table of Contents
How to Respond to a Venting Person
Instead of allowing a knee-jerk reaction to generate your response to someone venting, here are a few tips to deal with the situation appropriately:
Active Listening
The best course of action is to listen before responding. Let them know that you’re paying attention, but more importantly.
The key is not to sit like a dummy in front of them, but respond with appropriate acknowledgment noises like “oh, no!” “I see”, “uh-huh” and so on.
Use your own paraphrased response instead of repeating what they are saying, perhaps a sentence or two. But make sure to keep your opinions to yourself at this point and only listen.
Use Appropriate Body Language
By using your body language, you can reassure the person venting by listening to them. Avoid sitting in an elevated position, or lower your head (but occasionally glance at them).
While maintaining eye contact with them, occasionally nod. You can invite them to sit with you or at your table if you are already seated.
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This straightforward action will encourage relaxation and let the other person know you are prepared to listen to everything they have to say.
Use Humor When Appropriate
My primary expertise lies in this field. There is a technique for using humor to divert and calm many venters. This is the subject of our recently published book, “Almost Happy.”
Suffice to say here that humor really works in these situations as long as you abide by the Golden Rule.
Use it only if you are feeling warm toward the ventriloquist and have a twinkle in your eye for them. Not always easy, but extremely effective when used with responsibility and kindness.
Don’t Attempt to Change the Subject
Giving someone your full attention while they vent will help them. Changing the subject will only give them the impression that you aren’t paying attention to their problem.
This also applies to multitasking during the conversation. Keep your watch and phone away from you at all times.
Even when the flow is interrupted, maintain eye contact. They may be trying to gather their thoughts or planning their next move.
As a result, if you want to have a positive impact on someone who is venting, put everything on hold and pay close attention.
Stay Quiet and Allow Them to Finish Talking
In my ten years of extensive customer service experience in both life and hotel management, I’ve learned that the best thing you can do when someone is venting is to remain silent and let them finish.
Do not be tempted to jump in with comments or advice unless they ask for it. They are already angry and incorrect advice could irritate them more.
Generally, they don’t want you to give them answers. They merely want you to pay attention. After the verbal explosion is over, they will feel much better and probably calm down, and that will be the end of it.
Ask the Right Questions
When someone is angry, they won’t pay much attention to what you say. To release it from their system, they want to tell you everything.
Once you are done listening, you can have a meaningful conversation by asking these questions:
What is the Main Thing That’s Frustrating You?
Ask them to concentrate on what is bothering them the most rather than addressing their anger or asking them about their feelings, which comes across as telling them to “pull themselves together.”
You encourage someone to vent more by asking about their biggest annoyance. Pick up the most emotional words that were said.
When the time comes for you to respond to these words, you can use these words to steer the conversation.
What Makes You Most Angry?
You are probing into their feelings more by posing this query. Demand that they elaborate on the subject. Avoid engaging in a debate, but let them talk more about the subject while paying close attention.
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When they speak, look right into their left eye, which is connected to their right emotional brain.
Imagine that you are staring into a cyclone’s eye, but with the hope that whatever they are screaming about will pass over your shoulders rather than strike you in the face!
What Really Worries You?
You get to the heart of the matter by posing this query. Request more information from them. You can then let them know that you are aware of the situation.
There is a connection between the two of you. Saying that you cannot go back in time will allow you to discuss the alternatives as a group.
You Do Not Need to Agree With the Person Venting
Unconditional positive regard is accepting the person venting as they are without judgment. The fact that you and the person venting may have different worldviews is acceptable.
You do not need to agree with the person venting. They will have different:
- life experiences,
- upbringing,
- and will see the world differently from you.
It is, therefore, essential not to take the venting personally.
Make a Specific Time When You Are Emotionally Available for Venting
If you are the recipient of ongoing venting, then you must engage in good self-care practices. You might want to make a specific time where you are emotionally available for “venting” and can put a limit on it.
For example, if the venter is your partner, then you can allocate 20 minutes for a “venting session.”
As you walk together, you might feel the need to vent. A good way to let go of challenging or upsetting emotions is to walk or exercise.
When to Stop Them
There is a limit to how much you can take from someone else, even if you let them vent. After a while, the rant may turn toxic and even contagious, motivating you to vent on your own!
Decide on a limit and subtly let them know that you have other things to take care of as well.
What Not to Say to Those Who Are Venting
Have you ever had such a strong need to vent your frustration to someone who would listen by having a good rant, using foul language, and/or even crying?
The desire to vent your frustrations to someone can be a healthy way to express your problems, and you are not alone in this. When you express your frustration to someone, it can help you to relax and control your emotions. But occasionally, the people you vent to start to talk more and listen less; they start to give you unsolicited advice or make remarks that make you feel worse. Has this ever happened to you?
Also, you’re not by yourself here. Sadly, despite their best efforts, your confidante may occasionally make you feel worse while you vent. In their desire to help you, they may try bringing forth solutions when all you needed was to just release your thoughts to someone who would just listen.
When this occurs while venting, it may result in misunderstandings, helplessness, isolation, and/or an increase in stress after the talk.
So, is venting even worthwhile if there’s a chance it will just make you more angry?
YES!
Sadly, life is not always simple and enjoyable like a stroll through the park. Fortunately, you don’t have to make the journey alone; for assistance with negotiating our rocky steps and bigger roadblocks, turn to family, friends, peer support groups, and/or therapists. The therapeutic effects of human connection are supported by science and have power. Venting is a way to communicate, show support for others, and maintain relationships. You can make a few minor adjustments to help ensure vents are beneficial rather than harmful with some effort and light education.
What can you do to assist someone when they are venting, then?
Avoid the “it’s No Big Deal” And/or “just Don’t Give It Any Energy Or Thought” “brush It Off,” Responses:
Occasionally, you might think someone acting out is overreacting. Although you may believe that doing so will make the person realize that they are becoming agitated unnecessarily, this can come across as dismissive. It’s important to keep in mind that not everyone finds it simple to turn to others; sometimes it takes courage to reach out to a confidant for a vent. If the “venter” feels dismissed, they may be less likely to reach out in the future and internalize their problems and/or feel isolated.
Try one of these statements instead:
“I’m glad we’re having this discussion. Thank you for having the confidence to tell me that sharing is difficult.”
“I’m sorry you have to go through this. I appreciate the chance to support you that you have given me.”
“A challenging experience, that. I want to reassure you that you are not alone and that I am here to listen.”
Ditch the “you Can/you Should, Try This” Responses:
Don’t talk. It’s human nature (for some of us) to want to help find solutions but remember sometimes just listening is the most helpful thing. Recognize that the person venting to you is perfectly capable of coming up with a solution; they may only require some momentary solace. Remember that adding to someone’s list of things they can or should do can make them feel even worse if they are already feeling stressed out.
However, occasionally a person venting might be looking for counsel or you might be aware of something that can assist them. I’m not suggesting not helping find solutions if they need, but I’m suggesting that you refrain from assuming that you are aware of their needs.
Try one of these statements instead:
“I appreciate you talking to me about your ideas and emotions. Would you like me to respond with my thoughts? Is it better for me to just listen right now, or could advice be useful? I feel at ease doing what is best and most reassuring for you.”
“I am here to listen, so you are not alone. If it would be helpful for us to work on a potential solution together, let me know and we can try but we don’t have to, let’s do whatever you need and want to do.”
Let Go of the “at Least,” “it Could Be Worse,” Based Responses:
Gratitude is a potent attitude, and studies have shown that it can be used to control one’s emotions and reduce stress. But just because someone is angry doesn’t mean they aren’t grateful or conscious that things could be worse. A part of the human experience is to go through a range of emotions and when someone is frustrated, avoid trying to “cheer them up” by reminding them things that are going well for them (don’t assume they have forgotten). You may be trying to help but pointing out all their blessings can make them feel shame and/or guilt for their hardships or hurt emotions (and coming to you to share them).
Try one of these statements instead:
“That was a challenging experience. I’m here to listen, and I’m glad you’re aware of how you’re feeling.”
“I appreciate you sharing with me. I wish I could shield you from this experience because it’s awful and you have every right to feel the way you do.”
“You have the right to feel however you are feeling, and that is frustrating. It means a lot to me that you trusted me.”
Conclusion
Everyone occasionally needs to vent. And if they can find a good listener, that always helps. Someone at work might be having problems with their boss or coworkers.
Or perhaps a family member is going through a challenging time.
Regardless of the situation or the individual, even if you lack formal training, you can still listen to them out if they approach you.
Make a difference in the life of someone who is struggling by using the advice given here!